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An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.


The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me
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your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm takin' a shit. Please advise."

Almost brings a tear to my eye.


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Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his *ss.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist ,"that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my *ss."

"I do not understand", said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard
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and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No sh*t?"
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