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When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby
church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why,
maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?
He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord
Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
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I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son
Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."

Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I
stepped outside and lo and behold ---

My car was gone !


A woman goes to her gynecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said

"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"


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Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"I do" replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist ,"that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I do not understand", said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard
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and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me
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your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm takin' a shit. Please advise."

Almost brings a tear to my eye.